Losing
by Juunanagou
Summary: A inner monologue based on the DBSZ-fanfics


Losing by Juunanagou Losing 

**by Juunanagou**

NOTES AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:  
This fanfiction was inspired by the fanfics of Juuhachigou and Bulma, found at their [fanfiction page][1]. In particular, I refer to "Things I Want To Forget", "Machinehead", "Walk This World", "broken" and "Human Behavior". I even quote some short excerpts without explicitly marking them as quotes. Nevertheless the contents of the above mentioned fanfics are owned by Juuhachigou and Bulma, and in no way by me. I only allowed myself to use their wonderful story as inspiration and wrote this little inner monologue, which I think the figure "Juunanagou" -- as it is depicted in the above fanfics -- could have carried out within himself. This is only my own, personal interpretation of the facts narrated in the above mentioned fanfics, without any claim on relation to the intentions of Juuhachigou and Bulma. I wrote this text only because of my admiration for the work of Juuhachigou and Bulma!  
The quoting of a song throughout the text has been arranged as seen in the above mentioned fanfics, with the only purpose of making them fit also esthetically to them, also as implicit admission that this text was inspired by the fanfics of Juuhachigou and Bulma. I do not pretend it to be my idea and admit clearly, that I took it from the above mentioned fanfics! I only choose the song to quote.  
Finally I think I should apologize for the bad English, but as a matter of fact, it is not my mother tongue, so writing in English is a little bit hard for me... please bear with me! ^.^'

_I don't know what you're looking for   
You haven't found it baby that for sure   
You rip me up and spread me all around   
In the dust of the deed of time _

_And this is not a case of lust, you see   
It's not a matter of you versus me   
It's fine the way you want me on your own   
But in the end it's always me alone _

Here I am. After all the way I made, all the strain, the pain... pain! This damned feeling -- again. After so long... _No!_ I'm not going to let that out again... I'll bury it as deep as I can, don't want _that_ back!

But it is there. And I can't deny it, I've got feelings, and I _remember_. Things long forgotten, now lost... Faces, voices, tears...

A strong, demanding voice. That man, so strong and impenetrable -- and intolerant.

A friendly face, a woman, her kind, sweet voice. But then her voice turned silent, her smile faded away, and all became quiet, sad.

And that other face... a young face, so sweet when she laughed, with her beautiful eyes, tip-tilted like a cat's...

_Mama's coming!_

Not again!

_It's Papa, isn't it? Something's happened to Papa._

No, please, don't...

Those shrill screams... that voice... _her_ voice! I can't bear that any more, please, let me _forget!_

_I only know what I've been working for   
Another you so I could love you more   
I really thought that I could take you there   
But my experiment is not getting us anywhere _

Failure. That's the best matching description. A failure, a complete failure. Everything -- VOID.

I failed to make _him_ proud of me, couldn't become like him, like he wanted me to be... he never was proud of me, 'till he died!

I failed to help _her_, to bear the loss, find a way to survive. I couldn't... didn't see it coming! I couldn't save her, though it was my duty, after he was dead, _I should have saved her!_

And I failed on _her_ too. After all, I couldn't help even her. Couldn't prevent her from finding the corpse. Couldn't prevent her form getting sick. Couldn't prevent her from becoming... a _monster_! I made her a _monster_!

After all I did, everything I tried... and now I'm alone. I've got nothing left. Not even memories of a good time, not one remembrance of anything this all could have been worth for! Not even _my sister!_

And I did so much for her. I lied for her, lied all I could, to everyone, no matter who it was, no matter whether it was right or wrong... just to preserve her, to _protect_ her!

I became a liar, and a thief. O yes, it didn't matter what I had to steel, or whom I took it from. No matter if it was a rich old man, or a poor beggar, a banker or a priest, it didn't matter. After all, she didn't need to know, and as long as she had something to eat, it was ok. And besides, what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. So it was ok.

And than she got fever.

_I had a vision I could turn you right   
A stupid mission in a lethal fight   
I should have seen it when my hope was new   
My heart is black and my body is blue _  


She was dying. And I could do nothing... nothing but selling my soul. And I did it, without hesitation, like I had done everything I did -- for _her_. But again, I failed, and so she became a monster, like me. But it didn't matter, did it? We had been used, but we got our revenge, didn't we? We killed that goddamned Gero, and than we took our revenge! The world in which we were born, the world that took so much away from us, our father, our mother, happiness -- and finally even our humanity; that world _deserved_ destruction! And destruction we brought to it.

Even those pathetic heroes, those strangers, where crushed to death. One after the other, they fell to our fury, one after the other... all but the last. That damned purple-haired guy! He was there, lying at our feet, but _she_ didn't want to kill him. And than, given time, he came back, and piece by piece, he took everything I had. First he destroyed _her_, the one I lived for, the only one. And I gave up. Without her, there was no reason to live anymore. All I always wanted was staying together, never leave her alone, and death didn't make a difference. I was ready to walk down into the deepest hell, only to keep that promise. And I almost did.

But again, fate was far too concerned with playing it's foul games with me. And so I regenerated. It took long, so long... I thought it was hell already, but it wasn't -- though it was very near to what I expected hell would have been. As I arouse from the death, the very first thing I did was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. And there it came up the first time, after so long those years, only concentrating on beating out the last drop of blood from this stinking, rotten world, I felt it again: _fear!_

It was like a knife, stabbed through my chest and twisted around. Had I lost her? Could it be, that the Purple-Hair failed to kill me, but had success on her? I was overwhelmed by those thoughts, like a fit of dizziness which lasted for days. What if I really lost her, forever? I would never meet her again, see her beautiful face, look into her sparkling eyes...

No, _no!_ I wouldn't give up, not now we had been through! I would find her wherever she was, no matter what it took... I was even willing to kill myself, already forging a plan to destroy my core, as I finally heard of a _jinzounigen _at Capsule Corp. _Caught?_ My sister? Prisoner to that goddamned guy? _Never!_ I would have rescued her, no matter what it would have taken, and than we would have finished this damned world, _once and for all!_

_And I'm losing my favourite game   
You're losing your mind again__  
_

_I'm losing my favourite game   
You're losing your mind again _

But how could I imagine? How could I imagine _that?_ She and that... _guy, TRUNKS!_ After he had almost taken the life of my sister, after we both nearly died, now he was taking away every success we had achieved. He brought those damned heroes back, most of them. After we had defeated them, one by one, now they were back, as if we had never existed! And the cities? Rebuilding the fun we had destroying them! And as if that all wasn't enough, _he even took my sister!_

_ MY SISTER! _

_JUUHACHIGOU!_

He took everything, and what do I have left now? _Nothing!_ Not even my strength, my might. That junk-assembling wannabe-scientist and his damned collar! I can't even avenge the loss of my sister, or try to get her back. Now I'm stuck here, trapped in a prison without walls, hiding from my foes, worthless.

Because that I am, in the end: worthless. A failure. Unable to protect anyone, unable to kill anyone.

I am alone...

_Juu-kun!_

That voice...

_It doesn't take any more effort to be nice to people than it does to be nasty. And the results you get are usually a lot better._

And that face...

_But I like you anyway._

That quiet, hopeful adoration in those wide blue eyes! Who _is_ that girl? How could she bee so damned cheerful, especially to me? After I nearly wiped out humanity, knowing that I would have killed her and her "Papa"... But most of all: _WHY?_

Why did she try to take care of me? Why couldn't she let me die, as certainly I deserved in anyone's eyes? Why did she rescue me from the Namekseijin? Why did she wait for me after I left her alone, that day in town? And why can't I keep her at a distance? How can that little _thing_ manage to reach so deep inside my soul?

Who are you -- _Chiara?_

_I'm loosing my baby, losing my favourite game.... _

_I'm losing my favourite game (losing my favourite)   
You're losing your mind again (I've tried, I've tried)   
I've tried but you're still the same (I've tried, I've tried) _

_I'm losing my baby, you're losing a saviour and a saint _

--Cardigans, "Favourite Game"

_THE END? No way! Watch out for the next episode of the "Dark Soul"-Series of my fanmanga-fanmanga (or fanmanga^2), where Juunanagou is finally being freed... and will face his sister Juuhachigou!_

   [1]: http://hometown.aol.com/juuhachigouda/dbszfic.html



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